Dear You, Love Me
by Resounding Notation
Summary: Someone has been thriving on an abusive relationship and has to make an important choice. BIG PLOT CHANGE! Femslash. salex
1. She Always Knew

This is probably a one shot unless I receive inspiration lol. This is kind of my beginning. I have been writing for a while but have not published anything on this site before. Please be kind and honest in reviews. Thank you.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything that has to do with The O.C. In fact, I don't own much of anything. Other than this storyline. And this laptop…

DEAR YOU, LOVE ME CHAPTER 1

There was a constant pull coming from her subconscious as she sat there wondering what to do. How could she choose between two such extremes? Of course, the worst of the two being more of an addiction than anything.

"This is not who I was meant to be." She whispered softly as she shuffled the rocks beneath her feet.

She grew up knowing the importance of being in a healthy relationship; or at least being happy without one. Her mother taught her how to be a real woman, and she admired her own ability to "be a man." Yet, for some reason she could not let this go. For some reason the abuse was okay. She wondered if her mother would understand that if she did not go back she would only be searching for a bigger thrill. She would be searching for a harder slap, a heavier punch, a more intense heartbreak. Someone more broken to fix.

She could not figure out the answer to the problem life had given her. She was beginning to see things in a new light as she whispered again.

"If you cannot find the answer to the problem, why not throw away the entire thing?"

She felt as if she was staring God in the face as the train raced towards her. She stood straddling one of the two pieces of metal that would guide "God" straight into her. Feeling oddly grounded in her decision, she suddenly wondered who she really loved more. The girl she had unmatched chemistry with who beat her and was extremely emotionally abusive, or the girl who was constantly saving her from the other girl and herself? Alex decided she loved Marissa and Summer equally. It was easier than deciding.

She looked up at the moon and began to wonder what Summer was up to. Suddenly her phone rang and she stepped off the tracks just as the train was about to take her. It was a text.

_Where the hell r u? I know ur not home. I dnt know why I put up with u._

"I stepped off the tracks for that. Fucking seriously?" She slammed her phone shut and threw it against the moving train. She breathed heavily and fell to her knees. She began to cry harder than she ever even thought was possible.

She had always known who she really loved and it sickened her. There was no way she could ever be who she wanted to be, and there was no chance of being with who she loved. They were both too far gone in completely different ways.

There was no hope left to hold onto, and she wished she hadn't moved.


	2. Anything's Possible

Author's Note: I am so sorry it took so long to update. Just started college on Oct 4th. Been a busy busy bee. I will be adding another chapter probably by the time this next week is out. I may even update more than that. The song in this is Anything's Possible by Johnny Lang. which I do not own in any way…. Sorry about any mistakes in this. I was kind of in a hurry to get it added to the story.

Enjoy and Review! :)

The next morning Alex woke with the sudden realization that she needed to get to the library. She was nearly late for a date with her favorite person in the world.

She thought back on all of the tutoring she had done in her life. She loved to teach others. Younger kids, especially. They didn't make things as difficult. They listened and were hungry to learn anything she could possibly teach them. She wished she could have one of her own soon, and realized she'd do it right then if she could.

The high school senior smiled at the thought of having a life grow inside of her. Someone she could love forever and teach everything she knew.

This student in particular was hungrier for knowledge than she ever was. His name was Levi and he was a strikingly gorgeous 7 year-old.

His blonde hair caught the fake light as if it were from the sun as he bouncingly made his way to Alex's side just outside the doors. He spoke softly as if the meetings were secret, "Hi, Cuz." Levi ALWAYS called Alex "Cuz". No one could ever figure out where he got it from.

"Hey there, Little Man! How was breakfast?" Alex smiled brightly as she hugged the small boy.

"It was AWESOME! We had my favorites: fried eggs, sausage, bacon, grits, and hash browns! I ate every bite!"

"There is no way you ate all that! I can't even eat all that!"

He grinned, "I didn't say how many bites."

"I have to stop teaching you my shenanigans. You're using them against me. Again." She playfully glared at the small boy until he broke into a fit of laughter.

"You're funny when you're mad, Cuz. What are we learning today?"

"It's your free day, remember? I'll teach you anything you want."

"Really?"

"Really! Really!" she said it so that it sounded like a promise.

"Will you teach me about that music you're always listening to?"

Her jaw dropped in surprise, "When have you heard me listen to music? And your mom probably won't agree. It's not exactly something you need to get into that private school, Little Man."

"PLEASE! Just one song!" He puffed out his bottom lip,"…pwease!"

"No! No pouting! That's against the rules and you know it!" she whined out in a pitiful manner. Then it hit her. She knew the perfect song. "Fine. But just one."

* * *

He sat in the passenger seat watching her every move; she connected her iPod to her car stereo and leaned back into her seat. "This is an amazing song. We'll listen to it twice; once for feeling and twice for analysis. Listen carefully but with your heart. Let it flow through you."

…"_Don't let 'em say you can't be_

_Anything you wanna be._

_Don't be deceived._

_Anything's possible._

_If you will just believe,_

_Then you can succeed._

_It might not be easy,_

_But anything's possible."…_

She sang along as that bluesy feeling washed over her until the song was done playing for the second time.

"I like the way it makes me feel like my insides are happy." Levi smiled.

"Well, good! That's what it's meant to do." Alex checked her watch and realized that they still have thirty minutes left. "You want to go to the park for the rest of the session? I can teach you how to swing really super duper high!" The boy's smile suddenly spread from ear to ear.

"Woohoo! Let's go! Let's go!"

They both hurried out of the car and down the block to the park. As soon as they entered the fenced in area, Alex noticed Jodi sitting at a picnic table near the swings where Levi would be. She told Levi to go ahead to the swings and stopped to speak with Jodi, but was interrupted by the brunette before she could open her mouth.

"Marissa has been looking for you all day and she is practically fucking stalking me, Alex. This is getting ridiculous! You have to do something. You can't just let her keep controlling you like this. She's tried to kill you once. Who's to say she won't succeed next time?" She spoke with both anger and concern in her voice, "You are so much better than this."

Alex ignored her, "What's she saying I did this time?"

"That you have been broke lately because you lost your tutoring jobs and have been sleeping with Ryan for money again."

"First of all, I never slept with him for money! Or at all! Second of all, he moved away like over a year ago. Where the hell does she get this shit?" She spoke much louder than she meant to and Levi heard her. He got off the swing.

"What's wrong, Cuz?"

"Nothing, Little Man. Let's go swing."

Jodi's eyes followed Alex to the swing before she got up and headed toward her car.

"Be safe, Alex Kelly. I'll see you in school on Monday."

"Fer sure!"

* * *

Alex was at home lying down by the time Levi's words really started to weigh on her. _What's wrong? More like, what's right?... Everything is so wrong lately. Summer's gone. Jodi can't handle me being with Marissa anymore. My life is a fucking wreck. My heart's a wreck… I wish I could just bring her back. I should have chosen instead of letting everything fall together however. This is all my f…_

Alex was jarred from her thoughts by the sound of Marissa talking with her mother downstairs. She quickly closed and locked her windows and tried to hide anything that could be used against her. The other girl could hear the commotion as she ascended the stairs and hurriedly addressed Alex as she entered her room.

"Where have you been, baby? I've been trying to get a hold of you. I miss you."

Alex was so angry she talked through her teeth, "Don't even try to play innocent. You fucking tried to kill me, Marissa! You can't just try to suffocate someone and expect things to be okay!" They were both slightly shocked by her honesty and Marissa stepped back.

"Will you please just calm down? Jesus Christ, Alex! It's not like I actually would have hurt you. You know better than that. You know I love you with all my heart."

Alex was suddenly afraid that the other girl would move even further away and stepped towards her. She wrapped her arms around Marissa and put her head on her shoulder. "I know. I love you too."

They stood like that for a good ten minutes. Neither girl wanted to disturb the rare peaceful moment in their chaotic relationship. Alex knew that she shouldn't still love the feeling of those arms around her shoulders; not with everything they've done to her. And Marissa was completely aware that she had long ago lost her right to be loved by Alex. She just couldn't control it. There was something about Alex that drove her insane. They drove each other insane, really. They seemed to erase each other's morals, patience, and compassion.

Marissa looked into Alex's eyes, "I'm sorry for everything I've done." Alex was silent. "Will you please give me one more chance? It'll never happen again, I promise! Please… I love you so much. I can't lose you, Alex. It will kill me. Please, don't do this to me." Alex wiped away the tears flowing down the other girl's face, and wondered why she even considered that they were made of genuine heartache.

"I can't. You keep cheating, and lying, and talking shit about me. It has to be done. We're fucking tearing each other apart and I can't handle you hating me anymore. I can't handle hating you."

Alex walked downstairs and outside while Marissa stayed in her room. Marissa half expected the other girl to come running back through the door begging for her to forget what she had said.

An hour later, Alex was standing in the middle of the street letting the rain wash away her pain. She walked a a painfully slow mile to get to this spot and planned to relish in the memories as long as possible. She could feel her heart mimic her clothes as they became heavier from soaking up water.

"_Come back. Please, come back to me._ _I need you right now. Why did you have to leave? I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Whatever I did, I'm sorry."_

She started to cry as she thought of her favorite voice. She spotted a pay phone and ran to it. She dialed the numbers and waited for the person to answer; it went straight to voicemail.

"_Hi, Summer Roberts here! You know what to do at the Beeeep! HaHa!" _Alex smiled at the sound but swiftly hung up once she heard the beep.

She couldn't get Summer off her mind no matter hard she tried while she was on the way home. She knew she should have told her how she felt a long time ago, but it was like every time there was an opportunity she just kept second guessing the signs. She loved Marissa, sure, but what she felt for Summer was different. It was like the difference between going to war just for the sake of killing people and going to war because you want to protect those you love. She wanted to protect Summer. She _had_ to protect her.

She was so lost in thought as she neared her house that she didn't even notice the headlights casting her shadow on the ground before her.


	3. Smoke Break Beauty

Author's Note: Sorry it took so long. Things got crazy haha. :D This is dedicated to Snooglez. For her dedication. Lol. Enjoy!

* * *

The car kept revving up and getting close to taking out Alex's legs. After the third time, she finally turned around and screamed at the driver to watch out. The car stopped and turned off. Everything was eerily quiet until the door opened and a brunette stepped out.

"What? You don't remember me?" She laughed at her own statement as if it were impossible for her to be forgotten by anyone.

Alex rolled her eyes and gave Jodie a hug. "So, when did you get a new ride?"

"Today. Graduation present from the parental overlords." The car was beautiful despite its flaws. It was a 1969 Mustang Mach 1 in desperate need of a paint job and new interior.

"Aw, you sound so grateful. Haha!"

"You know it. So, did you see Marissa?"

"Fer sure. I'm pretty sure things are over for good now. I'm trying for them to be over, anyways. It's more complicated than I think I originally thought, you know? It's like I was thinking if I just do it then it's over. It's done and I can't change it. Except I feel like I maybe could change it. I'm afraid what will happen if I don't try to change it. Like maybe… I'll be happy forever. That scares the shit out of me Jodie."

"Whoa! Calm down. No one is happy forever. No need to worry about that, Hun."

"I think with Summer I could be."

Jodie's jaw dropped and she leaned heavily against her car out of shock. "Oh my, is someone coming to her senses?"

"Maybe. I don't know. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I think I need to sleep on it."

"I hate how indecisive you are. You can never stick to one decision. I'm sure you've already sworn to handle this a million different ways."

"As always. For real though, I'm gonna go crash. So, I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Can I sleep over?" She was embarrassed to ask so soon, but couldn't resist the urge.

"Sure. You know I hate being alone."

* * *

The next morning, they were sitting there chomping down on giant bowls of captain crunch trying to decide what to do for the day.

"I think you should talk to Summer. You need to set things straight with her. She loves you so much, Alex. There is no way she won't forgive you."

"That's the thing. I don't want her to forgive me because she can't help but to. I want her to forgive me because she's truly forgiven me. I've hurt her a lot."

"Well, you gotta do something." Jodie took a bite of her cereal and crunched on it loudly.

"I'll call her."

They finished their cereal and Alex lit herself a cigarette. She knew she had to call but was scared to death of facing Summer's broken heart. Or even worse, facing a Summer completely without a broken heart. She forced herself to press send and jumped when Summer spoke.

"H-hi, Summer. What's up?"_Did I really just say that? Fuck me._ She smacked her forehead with her palm and Jodie laughed.

"Nothing. Just sitting here reading. Doing what I always do when I'm upset. How about you?"

"Sitting here with Jodie and talking to you." Alex spoke nervously.

"And smoking a cigarette. You are always smoking when you call me. I remember when you called me your "Smoke Break Beauty" back when we worked together. I miss those days."

Alex stared down at her hand and realized something she hadn't before. "You know you do that with everything?"

"How do you figure?"

"You always know these random things about me. Like, how to tell I'm upset. What I'm doing…."

"You'd be surprised at what you notice about a person when you fall in love with them."

"I suppose."

"Don't bullshit me Alex Kelly. Why'd you call?"

"No reason really."

"I said don't bu…" Alex cut her off.

"I miss your voice. I miss everything about you really. I miss the hell outta you, Summer. Now, I don't know what that means. But I feel it. Hard. Like the feeling exploded inside me."

"I gotta go." Summer slammed the phone down.

"What the fucking hell? She just hung up on me." Alex yelled and looked at Jodie.

"You really did hurt her. Fuck your life."

"Hey, Skank! Only okay when I say it!"

Alex looked at her cigarette and tried to figure out why the girl would just hang up. _Maybe she just had to pee. Ha. Yeah right. Maybe she was sick? Oh god. What if she is sick and needs help? Wait. She never gets sick. Never mind. Damn. _

"Do you think she might be seeing someone else?"

Alex suddenly became terrified. "Fuuck. That's totally it. Now, I'm really fucking screwed."

* * *

PLEASE REVIEW:D I like-uh the reviews:D


	4. Heavy Memory

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Sorry for the extremely long hiatus. I had a bunch of obstacles thrown in my path and honestly forgot I was even writing this. I'm back now though. And with some crazy ass life experience under my belt. I am taking this story in a much different direction than originally intended. But I promise to connect it with what I've already written. As well as I can anyways. Or I'll just go back and change some things. Please note that there will be some VERY HEAVY drug use in this story. And some pretty fucked up situations.

Before I go back and change things…. Here is what I plan on changing. Any suggested changes that would allow the story line to flow better will most likely be used. Please point out anything I did not catch.

Alex is no longer a high school senior. She is a college freshman who has recently dropped out. She no longer tutors Levi but I will be attempting to work him into the story in some way. Maybe as one of those i-used-to-be-that-way kind of things. I think that softness may now be needed for Alex's character.

Summer and Alex have always had a very strong connection, but they met in a very complicated way which has attributed to them not being together.

Marissa, instead of being the main obstacle between Alex and Summer. Is now to be considered as more of a filler for Alex. Alex was trying to be with Marissa mainly because she was afraid of allowing herself to love Summer as much as she knows she does.

* * *

Jodie had just left and Alex was walking to the corner store. Her mind was becoming clouded with all the memories she shared with Summer. Especially the early ones.

_It was Alex's turn to make the run. Which she was used to by now. She called the Cab company and gave them the address seeing as how no one there was capable of driving._

_She began speaking to herself, "Okay, Alex. Here we go. Don't act too fucked up. And whatever you do. Keep the hallucinations to yourself. In case they ask, you're dropping by your Uncle's house to pick up some cash." She repeated it multiple times as if it would save her from some horrible fate. She always had to plan out every human interaction before she was confronted with it. No one could know what she'd been up to for the past few months. Definitely not what she was doing know._

_As she stepped outside a strange sensation washed over her entire being and she became terrified of riding in that cab alone. She quickly took her cell phone from her pocket. The phone barely had the chance to ring before a sickeningly sweet voice bounced off her eardrum._

"_What's wrong?" the girl on the other end asked before even saying hello._

"_N-nothing. I think I'm just getting tired. Please go with me."_

_Alex stared at her phone with a frown when she heard the call end. But the silence was followed with the sound of someone tearing through the apartment she had just excited. After less than 30 seconds, the naked girl she had left in the apartment (curled up next to the Dope Man) came bounding down the stairs in superhero pajama pants, a bra, and an oversized jacket. Although Alex knew what the girl had been doing mere minutes ago… She still marveled at her beauty, and didn't flinch when Summer wrapped her arms around her and softly kissed her neck._

"_You're gonna be okay, Babe. Just one more run."_

_Alex wanted to reply but was having trouble getting her brain to form sentences. So, she zipped up the other girl's jacket and leaned into her touch until the cab pulled up._

_As soon as they entered the back seat, Alex took note of the female driver's daughter in the passenger seat. Something that Summer had obviously not noticed. Or did not care about. On the way there Alex kept scolding Summer for cursing in front of the child. But only by saying "Kid." and slapping the girl's arm. She couldn't find the energy for more than one word._

_Summer had quickly taken notice of Alex's strange demeanor. Alex had always been so sweet to everyone. And extremely talkative with her. _

"_Alex. Sweetie, what's wrong?"_

_She was frightened by the blonde's response. She had been looking out the window with her arms crossed when Summer was asking the question. When she answered, she slowly turned her head towards the brunette and with a look of pure fear… the words rushed from her mouth._

"_I don't know. I don't know. I don't know." _

_The girl was immediately quiet again and increased the distance between them. As if Summer were putting off an unbearable amount of heat, she rolled down the window. _

_She was silent the entire way to the house. When she walked in she made sure to leave the younger girl in the car. She still couldn't believe the girl had managed to make her way into this fucked up lifestyle. She threw the sack to the guy and grabbed the cash from the table. _

"_See you tomorrow."_

"_See me tomorrow? The only reason I bought this much is because I thought you'd stay and hang out." The older man looked sad._

"_Not today. Not today."_

"_Too long?" he frowned._

"_Way too long."_

_Her movements were awkwardly stiff as she exited the house and made her way to the car. It was really beginning to worry Summer. She could practically see Alex's hallucinations in the reflections of her eyes. She seemed so frightened and unsure of everything, but Summer 'knew' she wouldn't crack. She never did. She could handle it better than all of them put together even on her worst day._

_They had the driver drop them off at the store and walked the rest of the way. Alex was beginning to get more and more scared and couldn't handle the small space and the strangers. Summer held her the whole way to the apartment, but once they stepped inside she made her way back to the bedroom. Alex sat down on the couch next to a guy she had come to see as her big brother;R.J. The strange feeling still coursing through her veins, she pulled out her sack and snorted a substantial amount of the slightly rocky white substance. _

_She immediately regretted it. _

"_Are you okay, Babygirl?" said R.J._

_She nodded._

"_Babygirl, why don't you go to sleep."_

"_Yeah. I will. Just let me finish this cigarette." _

_Immediately after she finished the statement she felt as if someone ripped their way into her chest and began sqeezing her heart. _

"_I'm freaking out. I'm freaking out! I'M FREAKING OUT!" Alex shouted._

_By this time she was standing and looking very confused. Summer ran into the living room and put her hand to the girl's chest. "Shower now."_

_She placed Alex in the shower with nearly all of her clothes on. Minus only her rosary and blue jeans. Alex began stripping but after she had taken her shirt off she asked for it back and looked at Summer with what could only be described as desperation. _

"_Sit down. I'm going to go get you some water and then I'll get in with you."_

"_Please don't go!"_

"_I'm coming back. You need water."_

_As soon as Summer returned she relieved herself of her clothing and sat down behind the terrified blonde. She pulled off Alex's top and pressed her chest into her back. Almost as if she was attempting to touch hearts. She knew the feeling of skin-on-skin contact would help calm the girl. It was what always helped her. _

"_Summer, please don't leave me. Please don't leave. I love you so much! I love you. I fucking love you. You're a life saver. They kept saying all these terrible things about you. I always thought they were lying, but now I know. Now I know. You're a fucking life saver."_

_Summer was shocked but continued rocking the girl in her arms. "I love you too."_

Alex tore herself from the memory as she paid for her Maverick Menthols. She didn't realize how deep in thought she was. The memory had almost felt as though it were happening right then; her heart was racing.

She exited the store and began her journey back home. When she reached her door she heard the song she had set as Summer's ringtone ringing throughout their nearly vacant living room.

"Fuck!"

She ran into the house and quickly grabbed her phone. She answered just in time.

"Hey."

"Why are you out of breath? Did you run to the phone?"

"Yes. Yes, I did. Haha. Why did you hang up on me earlier?"

"I was involved in something very time sensitive."

Alex knew exactly what that meant and could practically feel her heart frown.

"I gotcha. So. What was it this time? I thought ol' dude wouldn't get you anything to bang?"

"Oh, he wouldn't. Still won't. I had to get out of a tight spot. Cops were following."

"I bet they were." Alex sighed. "I wish you would come home."

"Believe me. I wish I could be home. With you. But hey. When I get back I'll have enough money for us to get a place, and then it will be just you and I."

"It's always just us when no one else is around."

"Don't be like that… You know how much I care about you."

"I do know how much you care about me. That's the problem. I know. But you always go out and do these things that don't make sense. Like how you're gone now."

"And you're with Marissa." Summer could feel the venom drip from her words.

"Not anymore. And we both know that when it came down to it. She was there because you weren't. She always knew you were the one I cared about. Ever since she picked me up after what happened that day in the tub." She could sense Summer tense up even though they were states away. What happened that day wasn't talked about much. It was a sensitive subject for the both of them.

The brunette's voice immediately softened, "I was so scared, Alex. We had only known each other for like a week, but I was so scared to lose you."

"I know. I'm still scared to lose you." The blonde thought over her words carefully before speaking. She knew her mother could hear her. "I have to go… I have some business to attend to."

As she hung up the phone she realized that tonight would be just another night like all the rest.

Another night starring in The Dope Show. On location as always.

At the cook house.

PLEASE REVIEW. THANK YOU.


End file.
